Now standing in present, I look back to past,
And see you standing there,
alone, with a million rebellions in your eyes,
And wonder, how we spent days again and then,
doing nothing but hating each other,
A million friendships forged and forgotten,
Yet you still burn, like a sun in the night sky,
A pang, a pain, yet sweeter than all delights of youth,
To sit now, and think of you, our insane fights,
And your eyes,
Reflecting a million rebellions…

My senses were numb. But I could feel my feet hurry through the blood drenched ground. My eyes searching for that familiar face among the numerous pieces of flesh shattered around. Life seemed to slip away through my fingers. I could hear my voice screaming her name out loud. My beloved friend. Had I lost her in a spiteful moment? A blast whose sound would echo across the rest of my lifetime?

As I searched for her in that dark silent hospital ward I recalled the fair skinny girl, I met years back. My first day in a big unfamiliar school. A fifteen year old me, scared and lonely, when she reached out, smiling with her dark lovely eyes and said, “Be happy yaar. Life is just too short to fight or be sad.”

Yes, those were the very first words she told me. From then on there was no turning back. The years silently watched us grow. Through rain and sunshine, through school and college, through crushes and heartbreaks, through the sweetness of success and pangs of failures. Totally inseparable. They called us North Pole and South Pole in school. No, she couldn’t leave me alone!

Vainly trying to calm down a panicking heart, I painfully remembered how we had fought that day. The mistake, as usual, was mine. But my boosted pride pulled me back from a well deserved apology. Living alone in a big city was not easy. Just the two of us in our small crammed apartment in the heart of Calcutta. She had taken the initiative to get us our dream job, to be the leading reporters in a reputed news channel. She taught me, pulled me out of my lazy bed, even picked the clothes I wore. She was my mother, my sister. She was truly a sibling god had forgotten to give me.

I remembered how she was given the assignment in the Plaza the previous day, which I was hoping to save for myself. The M.D chose her. She was better than me, deep inside I myself knew it. But my ego didn’t let me admit it and I sulked with her for an entire day. She obviously couldn’t figure out what mistake she did or any apparent reason for my strange behaviour. I tested her patience so much that she couldn’t hold down anymore and we broke into a slanging match. I left for work in the morning after another round of fight and the left for the Plaza.

I reached the far end of the room could feel my phone vibrating with calls about the blast in Plaza. Calls didn’t matter anymore. In the spur of the moment I took my cell out and dialled her number, half hoping to hear the ring. Silence…then, I heard it. I rushed towards the feeble noise. There was my friend slowly slipping into the eternal sleep. No .I couldn’t let her go. She was a part of me. But her eyes were already half closed. She was in deep pain from the burns, yet she recognised me when I whispered her name. Tears were running down my cheeks. I bawled like a baby. She held my hand tight for a moment, and then, let go forever…

The journey from that ward to our apartment was perhaps the longest and the most tiring one in my life. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hear. I was lost. I was alone. Yesterday seemed to be too far away, and tomorrow too uncertain. I opened the lock to our little haven and sank into the nearest chair. I couldn’t breathe. The void inside was gnawing me. Then suddenly, something caught my attention. On the table, beneath the wooden framed photo of the two of us, was a letter. I took it with trembling hands. It was addressed to me.

Dear Priya,

You are my best friend in the whole world. The best! You matter more to me than anything else man. I don’t know what I did wrong or why you are upset with me. Whatever it is, I am sorry yaar. Please forgive me. We will sort it out, ok? South Pole can’t exist without her North Pole , can she? I love you dear. Let us be happy na…..life is just too short to fight or be sad…

With lots of love,

Yours…………

As i watch the sky turn red,
all those birds returning to their nests,
i feel the primordial pull within,
the deep passion, the never ending longing,
to smell the first dropp of rain that wets,
the land that my hands first felt,
to sleep in the lap of the essence of love,
Ah! the gentleness of a mother’s touch!

When the dry leaves crumble beneath my feet,
I think about the backyard, her grass still green,
there waits my abandoned swing,
as she sways in this summer wind,
the sweaty games and endearing fights,
my lone friends be-calling me,
in my thoughts, i see them smile,
all that i have missed, all this while….

I walk back to my lonely den, missing my sweet haven,
my roots fail to grasp this ground, its novelty suffocating me,
i walk back, nothing to look forward to,
excepts for the days that can take me back to,
those dewy mornings, those moments of bliss,
all those faces etched within,
to be where i truly belong, to be there again once more,
all the love, the life, i have lost, all those i am missing out,
my sweet home, beckoning me,
and i?
i so far away, lost, chasing futile dreams…..

The wind tossed leaves make the autumn way,
Why don’t they seem anymore gay?
The birdies and kittens seem to mock,
Now the play ground just means a longer walk,
Festivals begin to become a monotonous routine,
As I try to figure out what is missing.

The flowers don’t nod their heads anymore,
The squirrels and cuckoos no longer smile,
I look in the mirror and wonder why,
All of them had said good bye,
I grieve the loss of all those sights,
Cos, the days had passed, the time had gone,
And before I knew, I had grown! ! ! …..

This intoxicating insomnia,
forcing me to look within,
hours of introspection, spend on my
lonely bed, the darkness and me,
alone, recounting, recollecting
reassuring each others genuineness,
i reflect, funny, how this beguiling
darkness makes everything bright,
vague thoughts gaining a definite shape,
mysteries of the day revealing their names,
making the world seem clearer, truer, in this
dark solitary stillness, that encases me.

Sweet insomnia, sharing my solitary nights,
as i lie in my lonely bed, recalling the day’s lies
warming me up with a passionate
embrace, dispelling the cold, within and outside,
as the night moves in her dawdling pace,
prior to the dewy dawn’s grace,
my sweet insomnia, my passionate love,
sharing far fetched dreams of bliss,
all my uncertain hopes and beliefs,
waiting beside me, for the next day’s light…

The knowledge of truth is killing me,
the bright enlightening light burns my reality,
your eyes, they tell me your lies,
close them my dearest, look away,
please let my illusion stay….

Nothing could hurt me more,
than to catch you in your play,
and to hide that knowledge from you,
that i know you true,
take care my dearest, to polish your tales,
so when you let me read them,
they look not to me, rotten and stale…..

when you lie my dearest,
i know what you do,
but i cant let go of, what i have for you,
let it stay my dearest, let not my illusion fade,
so when you lie my dearest….
let your lies, my reason evade…

Oft, when the streaks of light filter through
my windows, and draw designs on my dusty floor,
formless shapes, before my eyes,
they take your form, and you are revived
Oh! forgotten fragment of hope and love,
you dwell in my past, shape my present
and motivate my existence

Oh! unspoken promise of eternal joy,
I cling to you, forgetting my pragmatic thoughts,
the lessons of life taught by a meretricious crowd,
My wounded soul forgets its miseries,
Phantoms of a painful past, sleep
You fleeting smile, momentary sight,
Is all it takes, a dropp of love dispels
gallons of hatred and despair within

Echoes of your silent words,
ring inside, and define the reason of my being,
In the novalty of this age old emotion,
In this sunshine, I bask and
watch the rays, form your face,
in the dark interiors of my mind….

Fight with me, only if you can,
by your deeds and words
conquer and subdue me,
Enchain my freedom and cage me
like a wild bird with your iron stares,
Argue, only if your weak oration,
can sink mine, in the ocean of words,
And drown my voice till it is no more heard

You cannot defeat me,
Neither can I defeat you,
Like two idiots fighting with their own shadows,
We shall fight and watch our
wasted life fade away.
So when fights take us nowhere,
Let us shake hands,
and talk about reconciliation

Clueless I stand, wishing,
you spoke with your heart, not brain,
I stray alone in no man’s land,
You shake me with your voice,
Delude me with false hopes,
I let you toy with my emotions,
to know you forever,
And you call me possessive.

You cheat me with your silence,
And bend me with your words,
And bind me with your smile,
Intimate stranger,
I have seen bubbles of trust burst before,
endured many a loss,
Opened up and got hurt in turn,
Yet i believe you like a baby,
And you call me childish.

How do i know who you are?
These few paces, seem miles apart,
You devour my thoughts,
I relive my memories for you,
knowing well that you take me for granted.
I know you are far, in a world different from mine,
dreaming to climb up the ladder,
And here I am, learning to love,
hoping to meet you at the next corner!

“This is life”, they explained.
“Full of partings and pain,
An artwork adorned with emotions,
We love some, and we hate.”
But that didn’t quench my thirst.

“This is life”, they shouted.
“Full of its own surprises,
A chain neatly forged,
Of success and failure.”
But that did not stop me.

“This is life”, they cried,
“Full of shocks and sorrows,
A painting left incomplete,
Where fate toys with you.
But that didn’t quite me”.

“This is life”, they pleaded.
“Full of unexpected events,
A soulful song unsung,
Come, face the reality!!!”…
But my tears rolled on.

How do they know what life is?
They… who call you dead
How do they know?
For them,
You might be gone
But for me…
You are here, all the same.